Truths
by SadBeautifulTragic08
Summary: Charles and Liza discover their truths. Seriously, no idea where this is going to go but it's Charles/Liza.
1. Charles

**Author's notes: So, this is my first attempt at a Younger fic and let me admit I've only started watching the show a week ago because it doesn't air here in Germany, I've only just found it (and binge watched all four Seasons - SO captivating, SO well done). I love Peter Hermann and I really think he nails his character on the show. I'm #TeamCharles all the way and well, with the show on hiatus for the time being I needed it to go on in my own little universe.**

 **Right now I have no idea where exactly I'm going to take this, anyway, this picks up right where we left off in Season 4 and we're going to take a bit of a look at Charles in the very first chapter. I hope you guys enjoy.**

The whiskey (neat) goes down Charles' throat smoothly, spreading in his stomach with its usual warm quality. Some small part of his body aches for the offensive burn of a cheaper label, knowing it would make his insides turn to acid.

He hears Pauline move about in the kitchen. He hasn't gotten used to her being back. In the house, in his life. In New York. For the bigger part of the past year he had been convinced his wife wouldn't return; not ever. And he had gone through the motions that assumption had created. From sadness to fury over Égalité to…

 _Relief._ The word formed in the confines of his mind, a deep and innermost thought. He can almost hear it, can almost taste the bitterness the letters would leave on his tongue.

She walks into the sitting room then, a mug of steaming tea encased by her hands. He identifies the scents that fill the air as herbal tea. Pauline has always had a thing for herbal tea.

Memories flood him and he has to admit that these days it happens a lot. Pieces of a life come back to him. They are triggered by the simplest of words or actions, sometimes by the mere presence of Pauline. Things like how she likes her eggs in the morning, what her favorite book is, that she only ever uses two different perfumes, L'eau D'issey for spring and summertime and Eternity for the darker, crisper time of the year. Or the fact that she loves herbal tea.

Charles can feel Pauline's eyes on him and slowly he tears his gaze off the liquid gold in his tumbler and meets his wife's glance. Her blue eyes are calm and she holds her favorite mug (she must have found it somewhere in the back of the cupboard) with an elegance he has never seen with anybody else. He used to look at her and feel at peace, overcome with the serene kind of love and affection that only settles in after years of being together. The kind of love that was built by thunder and storms overcome, by having seen the best and the worst in your partner. Frenzied and hot, sizzling passion sparked by infatuation that eventually was replaced by implicit trust in that other person and your relationship. All of it is gone now. The trust lies in ruins, a puzzle Charles isn't sure could be put back together even if he wanted it.

He thinks back and feels drained from this day. The GMA gig had turned out to be a disaster - for Charles at least. For Pauline's book and Empirical/Millenial it is a huge success that will spark further interest in his wife as an author, in ‚Marriage Vacation' and last but not least his publishing company.

Being asked to join Pauline on stage had not been part of the deal and he would give Zane a piece of his mind about it. Charles knows it hadn't been Kelsey's doing. For one she had obviously been both pissed and terrified for him. And then Charles wants to believe that she would never put his personal life on display like that, especially in such a delicate situation.

Maybe he should have seen it coming with Zane, he had pushed for screen time with Pauline from the start. He is only with Empirical because with him came Moore. As fruitful a move it was for the sales numbers, it is devastating on a private level. Especially because Charles feels no honest desire to reconcile. His life isn't something he wants broadcasted to the world - in fact he doesn't want any part of it. It is bad enough that the book will not be seen as a work of fiction by anybody. In fact, it is a near perfect recount of their marriage. It makes him feel naked and terribly put on the spot. Charles can't imagine anything more uncomfortable than his friends and co-workers reading details of his life with Pauline. While the book was honest and insightful, even for Charles, he still feels like a lot of the matters Pauline decided to write about should have remained private.

Like page 58. When he had read it he had been utterly horrified and embarrassed, a circumstance that had only been intensified in the office the next day. He still remembers the glances and the way everybody whispered, the way Dianna, Kelsey and Liza (God, especially Liza) had looked at him slightly different, obviously wondering if the juicy stuff they had read was fact or fiction, or maybe a little bit of both.

It really wasn't anyone's business that he had gone down on Pauline and screwed her brains out in a bathroom stall at a corporate party eight years ago and there certainly had been no need for Pauline to go into such detail with the smut, either. What he had done and said to her in the bedroom - or a bathroom stall for that matter. Or that later that same night with both of them a little drunk, he had asked his wife for anal sex and gotten it, too. It should be sacred moments.

„Penny for you thoughts." Charles' left eyebrow raises as Pauline's words break through the thicket of his thoughts.

„Page 58," he answers truthfully. He watches his wife's facial expression change from wonderment to realization. A moment of surprise and then something he interprets as confusion. „I don't think it was necessary for you to include that in your book," Charles clarifies just so she wouldn't mistake it as a good-natured attempt at flirting.

She takes a few steps until she reaches the couch and sits down with a soft sigh because it is hard to explain why she chose to include it in her narrative. „I remember it fondly." Pauline picks her words carefully, her gaze still fixated on her husband.

He wants to retort that he does, too, yet he has never broadcasted it to whole damned world. He doesn't even want to discuss it, it isn't so much that he dwells on page 58 but on the whole story, on everything that has happened since she has come back from Los Angeles. „I wasn't so much thinking about page 58 for a specific reason, it's just that… today was rough."

„I think we can agree that it was quite successful."

„For you, yes. For Empirical, certainly. For me? Not so much, Pauline." There is no anger in his voice, he isn't trying to be spiteful either. But he is hurt and confused and everything feels like too much tonight. His heart is heavy because he wants to clarify to people, to the world, that the fact his house has published ‚Marriage Vacation' doesn't mean he and his wife are reconciling, that her having moved back into the house does not equal a desire of his to have her there with him under the same roof. Mostly he wants to clarify this to Liza, only he doesn't even know if she has watched GMA. He had tried to call her a few hours ago only she hadn't picked up and hadn't called back either. It stings. It makes him wonder if it has to do with her trying to win her ex back or with her trying to let him go, because she had spelled it out to him quite clearly.

 _Everything has changed._

And while everything has changed, he sees what she meant by it, it hasn't changed anything at the same time. If he looks at the raw facts it goes like this.

#1 Pauline is back.

#2 Pauline has moved back into the house, but only into the guest room and only for the

children's sake.

#3 Empirical/Millenial has published her book because it would have been utterly stupid not too. It was a business decision, not a private one.

#4 He has no desire to reconcile with Pauline.

#5 He is in love with Liza and not even the return of his wife has created any doubt about

that.

#6 He wants to figure things out with Liza.

Not necessarily in that order because working it out with Liza feels like the first priority. Her following her ex to Ireland is terrifying in many ways but he doesn't want to make too many assumptions about the nature of that trip. No matter the reasons, Charles has probably had something to do with their breakup. He remembers that night in the Hamptons to well. Stories exchanged, them dancing to ‚Take my breath away' by Berlin, a kiss. He can't even remember if she had kissed him or if it was him who had taken the plunge that night but Charles damned well remembers that kiss. And the one after that, in front of her door, too. As well as the rose petals posing the simplest of questions: Marry Me?

He had of course wondered what had happened that night, obviously Liza had not come back to the office sporting an engagement ring. He had heard about the breakup but he has had no way of knowing what had gone down that night. It hadn't been until the corporate picnic, when Josh had punched him in the face, that he had put one and one together.

 _Everything has changed._

„Charles, I know I've made my share of mistakes, but don't you think you can find it in your heart to forgive me? So we can somehow figure this out and move on? Come out of this much stronger?"

„We've already had this conversation today," he responds and rubs his palm across his face. It is tiring to discuss this again and again, to hear her so hopeful when he feels entirely hopeless. They are in the same room but not on the same page. While he is with her physically, only a few feet separating them, his heart and mind is elsewhere. He doesn't see himself come back. Still it's hard to form the actual words. Instead he says things like ‚We'll see' or like earlier today in the car on their way _home_ ‚I think we're still a work in progress.' All of it while his heart spells out an other truth.

 _We are done._

„I know and I respect what you said, I get it, it's just…"

„This isn't about forgiveness, Pauline." He breathes, shaking his head slightly before he takes a sip from his drink. He feels the sort of empty that can't be filled at the thought of them as an item. There is nothing to hold onto, no straw to grasp, no lifeline. It's Pauline and her desire for absolution or forgiveness and it's him completely void of the feelings it would take for them to heal and be _something_ again. „When you walked out I-," he pauses and struggles for words that would convey even a fraction of what it had done to him but he is a publisher, not a writer, not someone who can take letters and assemble them to words and sentences that weigh as much as the meaning behind them. „When you didn't come back I've _let you go_."

He looks her dead in the eye now and his shoulders sag the tiniest bit under the truth. It's a layer he has peeled off right in front of her and when she looks at him quizzically he sighs and straightens his torso.

„I am here now, Charles. I needed…" She takes a breath and puts down her mug on the coffee table. „You have to understand what it was like for me back then. I felt like I've lost myself. Everything I used to be, everything I knew about myself got washed away between being a mother and a wife. I had to find… _me_."

„I know, I've read the book." He says this without harshness but the words still sound like he wants to cut her off. Which he does. „And still I am telling you that while you have left me and left the girls to find yourself… I have let you. I've already let you go, Pauline," he repeats with emphasis. „And you coming back doesn't mean that I'm ready for you to come back for me. Things have changed."

Pauline swallows, hearing him for the first time. For the past few weeks she has had the feeling that things were moving forward. Slowly but steadily forward in a favorable direction. Now she isn't so sure anymore. She remembers how she had wondered if there was someone else when she had first come back. She knows he had dated someone a little while ago but Liza had assured her that it was over with the faceless woman named Radha.

„Is there someone else?"

„This is not what it's about, Pauline," he manages, feeling tired and exasperated.

„That doesn't answer my question."

„My God," he sighs, massaging his jaw. He doesn't understand why she would think that an interest in someone else would tip the scales in this scenario. Liza is in the picture for him, but it isn't because of her that he doesn't want to reconcile with Pauline. Some things simply break beyond repair. Some choices can't be taken back and not all damage can be undone. He can forgive her and it still won't be enough to start over. Maybe he has already forgiven her.

„There is, isn't there? Do I know her?" And then it feels like a kick in the gut. „Are you sleeping with _her_?"

 _Like that would make a difference._

For a moment Charles is back in his office, late in the evening when everybody else had already gone home except for Liza (And the janitor. Fuck…the janitor.), right before his whole world had come crashing down on him. Back when Liza had talked about a cupcake being hard or stale or dry and how in the next moment she had been on him, loosening his tie that he helped her with and tossed into the room only to back her up on his desk and they were all lips and desire and something had definitely been _hard_ then. But like everything else between them the situation had been compromised and everything he had been aching for for too long had ended before he had gotten around to thoroughly kissing her and making her his in the most primal way.

Is he sleeping with Liza? No. Does he want to? That is a definite yes.

Charles empties his drink with one final gulp, then puts the tumbler down with a thud. He exhales calmly and licks his bottom lip. „Pauline, you shouldn't be concerned about me sleeping with someone else. Sex is… It's bigger than that. But no, I'm not sleeping with her _."_

The next second he's up and walking away with long strides, not hearing the words that follow because he doesn't want to hear them. For tonight he is done revisiting the past and he is done with her bargaining with their future. His bedroom door closes once he's made it upstairs and it drowns out his wife's voice. A small part of him has him convinced that he's not being entirely fair but it had been Pauline who had walked out on their family to find whatever she thought she had lost. He owes her nothing. In fact he has giving her more than he truly thought she deserved from him at this point.

To be continued…


	2. Liza

**Author's notes: Chapter two... still a bit of a warm up before Liza gets back to NYC. Any kind of feedback is welcome (obviously). Enjoy.**

The sheets rustle beneath him as he shifts for more comfort on the bed. He pushes his glasses up with his forefinger that have slid down on his nose. As much as he tries, Charles can't focus on the words he is reading.

Automatically he reaches over to the night stand and picks up his phone that is still set to mute, hopefully checking for a call or a text but the screen stares back at him with emptiness just like it had the previous five or six times.

His thumbs hover over the screen as he contemplates opening his text messaging app. But he doesn't. Just like the previous five or six times.

Charles groans softly and lets his head fall back against the rest of the bed. He's a coward, he thinks. And then there is also that little voice inside his head that barges in 95 per cent of the times he is thinking of Liza, no matter in what capacity, that whispers warnings. The situation is delicate. For one he is still married. And he is her boss, so whatever has happened until now could already be seen as harassment. Any attorney would have a field day with this and Empirical's law department would more than strongly advise Charles against pursuing anything with a subordinate.

It is causing him anguish. So much is so very wrong about him wanting her. Liza _is_ his employee. His very young employee on top of it. He wants to believe he isn't a complete pervert for lusting over a 27-year old while he is slowly pushing fifty, but he never manages to fully convince himself of this. Truth be told, he doesn't even _understand_. He has never before felt attracted to someone that much younger and he's worked with women around Liza's age off and on for years. Take Kelsey for example. Kelsey is young, vibrant and beautiful. Driven, outspoken, sparkling and bubbly personality. But she isn't attracting attention from him on any level, especially not sexually.

With Liza - he can't explain. She has always given him a much more mature vibe than he is used to from people her age, like she is wise beyond her years. He only knows few things about her but wonders what circumstances lead to someone being so insightful, so grounded and smart. Like she has walked in someone else's shoes, lived at least half a lifetime.

Charles can honestly admit that it isn't even her looks that drive him towards Liza. Sure, she is good looking but it's something about her eyes; and not the way they twinkle, or their color. It's the depth he finds in them, the wisdom. He's felt a pull towards her on a personal and intellectual level before he's found himself physically attracted to her and something about it is so very raw because it is a _first._ And this is where he bargains away with himself that while it's still wrong, he at least can't be a perv prying for a twenty-something because it's not about lust. He is not dick-driven and he doesn't want to bed her (‚ _Althought you do_ ' that little voice whispers). What he wants from Liza is real. He wants to get to know her, every little part of her. Her past, her truths, oddities, desires, her fears. He wants all of her, and her body is just a fraction in the equation. Charles Brooks wants to be knee-deep in Liza Miller's character traits and sins.

She came into his life like an avalanche at a time he didn't even think he was ready for it. And Charles had _tried_ to look away, had tried not to be pulled into the vortex of her, not to cross that line and keep things strictly professional. But by the time it had already been too late, she had already buried him and manifested somewhere deep inside him. She is a bit of a drug to him and in these silent moments in the sanctuary of his room he wonders if she would have had the same effect on him had his marriage been intact, if Pauline had never left. Because if not, then isn't it proof he is subconsciously looking for a rebound? He is constantly asking himself if he is trying to compensate with Liza (like he knows he had compensated with Radha), if he is only looking for company out of loneliness and desperation. But then when he closes his eyes he can see her, actually see Liza. He can feel her soft lips against his, her breath tickling the corner of his mouth, her hands on his sides. And the funny thing is that it's not a sexual gratification he finds in the memories at all, he doesn't even have a moderate desire to jack off to the visuals behind his closed eyes. It's his heart that flutters out of rhythm and her mere proximity he's longing for. Everything about it feels utterly real. It's what makes him ignore the devil on his shoulder. It's what makes him feel a little less pervy.

…

 _„Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned off the Fasten Seat Belt sign, and you now move around the cabin. However we always recommend to keep your seat belt fastened while you are seated. In a few moment the flight attendant will be passing around the cabin to offer you hot or cold beverages as well as snack. Alcoholic drinks are available at a nominal charge. We will be showing you a video presentation. Now, sit back, relax and enjoy your flight. Thank you."_

„That just screams Bloody Mary," Maggie says, taking off her shades and tucking them in her purse. Chuckling, she watches Liza's head turn, clearly she isn't impressed.

„Weren't you complaining about a headache and still feeling wasted right before we boarded?" She feels a little disgusted at the sole mention of alcohol. The both of them had been knee-deep in whisky and shots at the wedding reception, ‚celebrating' until the early morning hours. After getting in a couple hours of shut eye they had gotten into a taxi, headed for the airport and if Liza had learned one thing it was that she was clearly too old for this shit.

„´xactly," Maggie retorts. „First rule in the book: If you're hungover, keep on drinking."

„I think the smell alone is going to make me puke," Liza mumbles, closing her eyes.

„Say what you will, but the Irish sure know how to party."

„Sure know how to get hammered." Liza half agrees.

She is still a little shocked that Josh had actually gone through with the wedding. Liza has had reservations about it from the start. A Green Card wedding is about the worst idea someone can come up with, even with actual feelings involved. A marriage, even for a visa, is still a marriage. The real deal is tough enough. It takes work, it's painful and divorce complicates the end of a relationship. Of course she knows this because she's been there. Liza has seen the good, the bad and the ugly. This is why things with Josh would never have worked out, she thinks. He is young and impulsive and not thinking things through. It's something she loves about him and at the same time the thing she can't see herself living with. Even in their relationship, when they were not on the same page, he had wanted to marry her, and while that is sweet and shows that he truly loved her, Liza can see how it would have all blown up in their faces.

She is heartbroken for him, she convinces herself. She knows this marriage is a mistake. Not because deep down he still loves her and not Clare, but because it was such a stupid move. It simply couldn't end well.

The night before the wedding, when Josh had come to her room, when he had told her again how it's her, how it's always been her and how he can't marry Clare - God, it would have been so easy to go along with it all, to keep on kissing him, to tell him that for her it's him, too. Only it would have been a lie.

She does love Josh, but not enough to make it work long time. She's infatuated with what they had, with the idea of them. She is in love with who she is around him, with how he had made her come alive in the middle of a divorce, struggling to put Caitlin through college and the lie she has fabricated, the huge lie she is living. She loves him for still loving her when he had found out about who she truly was, a then 40-year old woman and mother. And yet she had never shown him all of her real colors, if anything she had only attempted.

It had been a relief waking up believing Josh is going to blow the wedding off last minute. Until Maggie had come to get her of course - ceremony about to start and all. She had felt shattered when Josh admitted he had to put a ring between them and yet she understood. However wrong, maybe it is the only way for him to deal with them falling apart. Realistically he knows it too - they wouldn't stand a chance.

„You going to be okay?" Maggie's voice takes on a warmer quality, her hand reaching out to grasp Liza's in support. It had been painful to watch Liza witnessing Josh get married for all the wrong reasons. She had seen the unshed tears, had felt how deeply unsettling it had been for her best friend.

„Yeah. Yeah, it's just… He's going to get hurt, you know?" How could he not? This whole marriage was a cry for help, a way to finally get over her, get over them and let the past go. „I feel like this is my doing somehow. That if things had been different, if I had tried harder…" She winces, because while there is nothing she could have done, she feels like she should have done something. Whatever it would have taken to protect Josh.

„He wanted this, Liza."

„But he didn't, did he? He married her but not because he loves her or even wanted it, he did because he felt he didn't have a choice, like it's the only thing he could do to keep from coming back to me."

„Still his choice, still how he wanted to do it. And be real for a minute, maybe it did need to stop, this thing between the two of you. I'm not saying marrying her was the right thing to do, but after telling you he still wants you, don't you think it would have further complicated things if he had called the whole thing off?"

It is a good point, Liza has to admit. He would have called it off for her when there isn't anything left for her to give Josh. It is love she has for him, but she no longer is in love with him. Which brings her right back to an other problem. Shit. When has her life turned into such a mess?

„Probably," she says begrudgingly. Liza did have enough complications worth a lifetime. Keeping up the lie of being a 27-year old woman to basically the whole world when something or someone threatened to blow her cover at every turn. And then there is Charles.

 _Charles._

The pain ripples through her with a vengeance at the thought of him. The man feels like one more grave she is digging herself. He is her employer, thinking she is fourteen years younger than she actually is. He is married. And she is in love with him when it seems Pauline and Charles are reconciling. It sure as hell sounded like it on GMA. He had tried to phone her and she had only noticed the missed call many hours later, drunk from numbing… everything. She had tried to calculate the time difference but her brain had completely shut down at that point and hadn't agreed with doing the math. Eventually she had talked herself into leaving it be, not call him back or send a text message because what if Pauline was there with him, if they shared a bed or worse… were celebrating their reconciliation with a repetition of page 58?

A stewardess stops in their row, pushing a small cart. „Would you ladies care for refreshments."

„Water, please. For the both of us," Liza stresses with a polite smile. „Thank you."

„Bloody Mary," Maggie pipes up, index finger raised just slightly. The stewardess looks between them, confused for a moment, and Maggie winks at her, thinking how she is kind of cute. „Definitely Bloody Mary," she repeats just barely above a whisper to make her point, hearing Liza groan next to her. The blonde opens a small bottle of water for Liza and pours some into a see-through plastic cup, placing it on the foldout tray attached to the seat in front of Liza, then bends over to reach for the alcoholic drinks and produces a bottle of ready to drink Bloody Mary. Unabashed Maggie checks out her ass, appreciative of the sight.

„Thank you," Maggie says, offering a flirtatious tone and smile (and a ten dollar bill) before the blonde moves on, Maggie's gaze following her every move for a few more seconds. Then, like there had been no interruption at all, she picks up the conversation. „He's not your responsibility, hon. Plus, you should really mind the Empiriconda."

Liza, who was just taking a sip of her drink, sputtered, then coughed, instantly turning ten shades of red in the face.

„Well, it _is_ kind of impressive," Maggie shrugs around an amused smile. „And stop blushing, you were the one having orgasmic dreams of Mr. Hung Like A Horse."

„Seriously?" Liza asks. „How do you even still think of the Empiriconda? That was months ago."

„Hey, you showed me. What Mags sees, Mags doesn't forget, alright? Chill, girl."

Chill. She can't chill. In fact she is burning up. „He's back with his wife," Liza says. „I think."

„You think or you know?"

„They did Good Morning America together. It sounded like they are working it out. I guess that's why he called, maybe wanted to give me a heads-up. Or it was business related. Probably business," Liza rambles on.

„Urgh," Maggie exclaims, shaking her head. Liza's love life as a 27-year old sure is frustrating her.

„What?"

„I really don't know what to tell you when it comes to the Empiriconda. I really want you to get some which in my book equals finding happiness," she emphasis the last part. „And at the same time I want to get you a memo reminding you to never fuck the company."

„Says the woman who fucks about anything with a heart beat," Liza trails off nonchalantly.

„Please, anything with a _female_ heartbeat. And human," Maggie adds quickly. „Why do I feel the need to even mention that?" The rhetorical question scatters around them as Liza chuckles and closes her eyes.

„I need some sleep," she says heavily.

„That oughta be entertaining for all of us," Maggie whispers and snickers.

„Huh?"

„Oh, nothing." She turns and looks at Liza for a few moments who is visibly relaxed. The movie they are playing doesn't look interesting at all and with no one to talk to Maggie knows she is in for a long, boring couple of hours. Then she catches sight of the blonde cutie catering to the passenger's every need and unbuckled her seat belt.

Maybe not entirely boring, she thinks to herself.


	3. Push And Pull

Seventeen hours and a jet leg later Liza fixes herself some coffee, quietly moving about in the apartment. For some reason Maggie is sleeping just fine while Liza couldn't even doze for a few minutes. Her mind is on overdrive because - God. Josh is married. She keeps on saying it to herself again and again. Josh is now a married man, staying in Ireland for a couple of weeks until he and Clare will come back to the States and face Immigration. And Charles is very likely reconciling with Pauline. Whenever she thinks of the GMA snippet it hits Liza. Maybe she shouldn't have pushed Charles away, pushed him towards his wife whenever he had said that her return doesn't change anything for him, doesn't change his feelings for her - whatever they are.

As soon as they had stepped off the plane Liza had checked her phone for another call or a text, but it seemed Charles hadn't tried to further contact her. For the past few hours she had tried to sleep unsuccessfully, her thumbs have typed at least four messages but then she had stalled and well…nerves had gotten in the way, so Liza had decided to delete every single one instead of hitting ‚send'.

Oh, the irony of it all. First she had been completely torn between two men, had self-sabotaged the relationship with Josh, which she then realized wasn't only sabotage but actual feelings for Charles and now… well, now there is no decision left to be made. Josh is married and history and Charles is back to playing house with Pauline.

She grabs her coffee and her phone, plopping down on the sofa, exhaling audibly. Opening her chat with Charles once more she stops to think for a moment, then starts typing again.

LIZA 4:21 AM

Just wanted to let you know I'm back from Ireland. Have seen you've called. Anything of importance? How was GMA?

She closes her eyes and quickly hits ‚send' before she can change her mind. The regret is instant and Liza drowns in it.

„Shit, shit, shit," she scolds herself. She will probably see him in a few hours at the office anyway and who sends a text message to their boss at this unholy hour? She decides that she is going to blame jet lag and residual alcohol. Neither would be a lie. She almost shrieks as the three dots appear. He's awake, probably because his phone had woken him up, which would mean she has woken him up. „Shit." Yes, her rhetorics are a mean weapon this morning.

CHARLES 4:23 AM

Have you seen it? Not my idea. How was Ireland?

There's a beep with the incoming text from Charles and Liza's heart leaps. Not his idea? Liza isn't sure what that is supposed to mean. She pulls her legs up and purses her lips, trying to think of how to respond.

LIZA 4:24 AM

Ireland has been… eventful. My ex got married. What wasn't your idea, GMA?

CHARLES: 4:27 Am

Wow. GMA was supposed to be just Pauline promoting the book, none of the rest was planned. I never wanted anyone to think we're reconciling. I was supposed to stay backstage.

Now it all made a little more sense to Liza. He had looked surprised and uncomfortable as the hosts and studio audience invited him to the stage, had cheered for him to make an appearance. Maybe he hadn't known what to do or couldn't quite measure the ramifications of his outing on national TV. Maybe he had felt too put on the spot to refuse.

LIZA 4:28 AM

You never wanted anyone to think you're reconciling or didn't want anyone to know?

She feels bold but mainly she needs some clarification so her thoughts can stop swirling in two different directions. Ultimately she has no right to ask any of this, when it comes down to it his marriage and what he is going to do about it is none of her business. But.

CHARLES 4:30 AM

Can I call you?

In an instant Liza's heart beats faster. Whatever he needs to say to answer her question might take more explaining than could be done in a text message.

LIZA 4:31 AM

Sure

The cellphone starts ringing within seconds of Liza sending the message and she picks up on the first ring, feeling oddly unbalanced.

„Hey," she says and his voice, calm and maybe a little groggy, filters through the phone.

„Hey," he says back, reveling in the sound of her. He realizes he's missed her although she had only been gone for three, four days. „It's good to hear you."

Liza smiles and relaxes into the cushions. For some reason the words make her heart calm, make everything calm within her.

„So… erm… I'm sorry if my text has woken you up," she apologizes.

„It hasn't. Been a rough night," Charles assures her. He had tossed and turned for the better part of the night, probably dozed off a few times, but he hadn't gotten actual sleep.

„For me too. Jet lag."

„Ah, right." He tries to think of what to say, to find his footing. Diana hadn't mentioned a wedding, only that Liza had gone to Ireland to chase her ex. „So Ireland, huh?"

„Yeah. It was nice. The landscape I mean."

„And the wedding, too I suppose?" Charles wants to believe he is being smooth but probably he sounds pathetic. Flirting has never come like a natural thing to him, it always felt a little stiff, a little standoffish to Charles. It probably is the reason that with Diana he never knows if she's trying to come on to him in ill-attempted flirts or if he's misreading the way she acts and talks when they are alone.

„The wedding in itself was really nice, yes. It's just that… they haven't been together for very long, you know?"

„So, you weren't chasing after your ex?" It's out before he knows it and he certainly can't take it back, his face screwing up as he hears himself.

"Erm no, why would you think that? He asked me to come and so I did, I mean… trying to be supportive and all that." And stop him from making the biggest mistake of his life so far, Liza added in thought. But that would probably sound like she still had more than an amicable interest in Josh.

„Oh, nowhere. Just something Diana said but I didn't know the trip involved a wedding. She just said you're…" Charles tried to come up with a reasonable explanation and quick. „… in Ireland with your ex-boyfriend."

„Well, technically that would be correct," Liza agrees with a soft but insecure laugh. Everything about this conversation felt like they were both awkwardly stumbling.

For a moment there is thick silence, the seconds tick by as neither of them seems to know what to say, where to take this conversation until Charles jumps in.

„About your question… we're not. Reconciling, I mean." He wants her to know this, because Pauline moving back into the house is one thing, a possible reconciliation however is a very different matter. And Charles isn't positive that his wife will stay at the house for long, because things start to become clearer for him. Not even the kids will benefit from the current atmosphere in their home. He tries to be accommodating and not shut down, not shut Pauline out completely, but he doesn't find even footing. There are moment he feels emotionally pressured or even exploited and his hands are tied, there's little he can do about it. He keeps her at a distance to not let the underlying anger and insecurities crawl to the surface and get the better of him.

Although relieved, Liza still has strong feelings on it all. She doesn't want to be the other woman or even someone to stand in the way of a family. That is not her, not the kind of person she ever wants to be. The majority of her life is a lie at this point but she wants to believe she still has some values.

„Look, Charles… I want to honest here, I'm… there's this part of me that is glad to hear it and the part that keeps thinking: What are you even doing here? I understand…" She takes a breather and stops herself, and it's these moments that are incredibly hard, because she can never say what she truly wants to, constantly has to think everything through to avoid slipping up. „I think I understand how important family is and that none of this can be easy. I… I don't want to stand in the way. I don't want to be the _reason_ you don't give Pauline a chance."

He hears her and thinks about this, but it doesn't feel like he is doing what he's doing because of Liza. „That's not it at all, Liza. I'm not saying you aren't on my mind because clearly you are. But you are not the reason. Pauline left me. That's the one thing. But she also left the girls and I've heard her out, I've read the book, and it's not that I can't understand her motives or that I'm not sympathetic to the way she felt but she had options." He has never talked to anybody about this in depth, not even to Pauline. „If she needed more space, more time to herself, if she wanted to write again, even a novel - she could have. She could have gotten even more help with the kids, she could have rented a place to write, she could have taken the freedom to travel some on her own. She could have talked to me, we could have discussed it. Instead she simply told me she couldn't breathe anymore and took off to L.A. and said she knows I'm going to take good care of our girls and that was it." Of course Liza knew all this, everyone who had read ‚Marriage Vacation' at this point knew. „I don't see a way to recover from it as a couple. As an individual maybe, I think I might have forgiven her to some extent and I want her around for the kids, because they love Pauline and deserve to have their mother in their lives. For me there is just no way back. I think the moment I've allowed myself acceptance of the situation I've let her go."

„Okay," Liza says softly, nodding to herself. It is the first time that she gets an understanding of how Charles must have felt when Pauline walked out of his life and that his boundaries had been crossed. That it isn't actually _her_ who's standing in anyone's way. The marriage has simply run its course long before Pauline had resurfaced.

„I wanted to tell you this before but it's been hard for me to… I think I needed some time to realize it myself first. And then, whenever I tried, not in so many words, but I've really tried to the best of my abilities, I had a feeling that you were pushing me away and closing the door on us - not that there's an us… I just.."

„I know what you mean," Liza assures. „And I did. Try to push you… away or towards Pauline, I suppose. You are technically still married and I've become close with her, you know? And she really wants to make this right somehow and I felt like I've been catapulted into the middle of all this."

„And for that I am genuinely sorry, Liza. I never meant for you to be dragged into my messes. I haven't been very fair sometimes, I'm not… when it comes to this, I haven't handled it well."

„I think that's understandable, it has been a difficult situation for…everyone." The atmosphere in the office had definitely shifted with Pauline's return and her novel. She couldn't fathom how hard it must have been for Charles to rise above all the personal problems to go ahead and publish ‚Marriage Vacation'. It had put him on the spot, everyone at Empirical got glimpses at his life, on things deeply private. In the end it had been a business decision because, and Liza is convinced of this, it would have been a matter of time until another house would have gone for the story. The ramifications and humiliation would probably have been much greater for both Charles and Empirical.

„I'd still like to… get a chance to see what this thing between you and me is, where it could go," Charles admits, feeling like all he does is stammer stutters. „Lately it seemed we never got the chance to talk. _Really_ talk, I mean. And I know from a professional point of view that you and me… it's not entirely right but…"

Liza closes her eyes and bites her lip. It wasn't right at all.

„And your age… I… You see, I don't want you think I'm that kind of person who's chasing after young girls," he says, then quickly clarifies. „Not that I think you're a _girl_ , obviously you are a woman. But I'm still what… twenty years your senior and…" God, he really feels stupid telling her he doesn't want to come off like an old guy taking advantage of a much younger employee when it is exactly what he is. A fact that he can't even argue with. „I don't think I make much sense right now, do I?"

It hits Liza then that the complications not only arise because Liza is lying to pretty much everyone to keep her job but that it also messes with Charles' head. Starting a physical and romantic relationship with an employee is a tricky thing either way but for someone who's running a company to take an interest in a much younger assistant. It simply doesn't look good, will be frowned upon and the outcry will hit Charles much harder than it will Liza. Unless people would paint her a slut, trying to climb her way up the career ladder, which is a very real possibility as well. If she wants to pursue any kind of personal relationship with Charles, she will have to end this charade. She should have learned her lesson after her relationship with Josh after all.

„That's… erm... there's definitely some things that I would like to discuss with you. I've been meaning to talk to you for awhile." But it doesn't feel right to do it over the phone, it is too impersonal. „Not over the phone, though." And probably not at the office, either.

„I'll think of something to give us the... right setting to talk. If there is such a thing."

„Good, erm… okay. So, I'll see you later then?"

„Yeah, I'll be in around ten for a meeting."

„That sounds good." It sounds pathetic.

„So, I'll see at the office. Bye Liza," Charles says softly before he hangs up a little too quickly, closing his eyes, wondering if he has just created a whole new monster.

…

To be continued


End file.
